I Can't Lose You Again
by M-15 Vindicator
Summary: In a quiet moment before the main assault, Shepard goes to speak with the man she loves, to say one last goodbye...but things don't go completely to plan. A slight re-imagining of the London Encounter in ME3 for the hopelessly romantic Shenko lovers.


_These are BioWares toys, i just like playing quietly in their sandbox._

_Please note this follows my own personal play through of the ME games, as well as my own Shepard._

* * *

Commander Freya Shepard took a breath, steadying her nerves. It was utterly ridiculous that she should be so nervous, so on edge at the situation. It wasn't like it was as bad as what was going on around her. After all, both London and the Earth were falling apart around her ears, while above their heads; ships were being blasted out of the stars by the Reapers. Every second the ground forces delayed, more people above died, giving their lives to ensure victory.

It was a tenuous situation at best, Hammer squads had been hit hard on their descent and many had been scattered out of the approach vectors in the chaos of landing. And so they had been forced to wait to see how many would turn out. So far, less than half had made it and Shepard knew that Anderson was busy weighing up the situation. As a result, the Commander was left twiddling her thumbs while she waited. There wasn't much else that she could do. She was a Soldier, nothing more and so she had to wait. She'd initially filled her time by speaking to her crew when she could. Many of them had been asked to help where they could, and for the most part, Shepard had been reticent to interfere with their work. But everyone managed to snatch a moment to speak with her.

It had been hard; even though this wasn't the first time they had all faced death together. But time hadn't made it easier to say goodbye to those she knew. Many of her crew had been with her from the beginning, some and come and gone over the years, but they had all stood at her side and had her back on more occasions that Shepard dared to count. So she had to say goodbye to them in some way. She had spoken to almost everyone, only one still remained and Shepard could no longer put it off. She had to speak with him, but to say her farewells to him was the hardest. How could she look at him, into those brown eyes and talk about the possibility of never seeing him again.

She took another breath and opened her mouth to speak.

'Hey, Kaidan.' She forced a smile on her face as he turned, hoping he wouldn't see it as pained gesture.

'Hey.' He turned to look at her, a smile spreading across his face at seeing her. He seemed genuinely pleased to see her, which lifted Shepard a little. 'There you are.'

The smile she wore turned warmer to hear him say that. That silly little flirty phrase always managed to raise a smile from her.

'You ready?' It was a simple question that just bubbled from her. After all, how could anyone truly be ready for something like this? But then again, hadn't they faced their deaths before? Was this any difference from facing Saren and Sovereign on the Citadel? She'd asked him the same thing then and he'd been positive that he was ready.

'Absolutely. For anything. Bring it on.' He replied, but Shepard noticed a slight quiver in his voice, and her eyes darted over his shoulder in that moment and she understood. He was worried, and she couldn't blame him, nor hold it against him either. But he was under the close scrutiny of a host of others and Shepard knew how useful moral could be. It was a powerful tool, and Kaidan's young biotic students took their lead from their teacher, just as Kaidan and the others took their lead from her.

She smiled and nodded in their direction.

'And Biotics Division? Your students?'

Kaidan briefly glanced over his shoulder and laughed when he saw them. They looked so young to Shepard's eyes, despite the fact they had all seen some of the worst this war had thrown at them, or so Kaidan had told her from reports. Had she been that young when she'd faced down those batarians on Elysium? Had see looked so green when she'd taken down Saren? To any veteran...most probably. It made her feel old.

'More than ready. Eager even. That's youth for you.'

Kaidan turned back to her.

'Guess we're old soldiers now, hey, Shepard?'

Shepard couldn't help but be amused by that thought. By modern standards, both she and the Major were still young in terms of their age. Though in terms of their careers, there was still some way to go up the chain of commander too. But both of them held ranks that commanded respect and made others look up to them for leadership. There would be always fresh faced, young recruits to seek out the Famous Commander Shepard.

'Yeah, I guess we are.' She agree, clearly enjoying the levity of the moment, and almost forgetting that the reason she had initially spoken to him was to simply say goodbye to him before all hell was let loose, to have the opportunity, one last time to tell him how much she loved him.

But her levity was short lived as the smile on Kaidan's face suddenly vanished, like the sun disappearing behind a cloud to be replaced with a look of sorrow.

'Comrades-in-arms. We know the score. We know this is goodbye.'

Shepard swallowed; it felt like she'd been struck to hear him say that. Not so long ago, he had told her that she had done all that she could to bring the galaxy together, to gain all the support she could and that she had given hope to all that had crossed her path that they could defeat the Reapers. And he had done so with such conviction that he had convinced her that he was right, that with hope and a fighting chance, they could win.

She frowned and took a step towards him. No, she couldn't let him think like that. She had noticed that a lot of her crew, especially the humans had lost some of the bravado upon seeing the state of Earth, and although Shepard was a Spacer, born and bred, it had affected her too. But rather than dashing her hope, it had fed her anger. And she had used it to stoke the fire back into the belly of her friends. But she knew that Kaidan would need a different approach.

Dropping her voice to a whisper, Shepard replied.

'Don't talk like that. When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You'd better show up.'

It was a risky ploy, but hadn't he said almost the same to her before they had left the Citadel. Hadn't he said that he'd be waiting for her when this was over? And he couldn't be waiting if he gave up. She had to remind him of that if nothing else.

'Don't get me wrong!' he countered, dropping his voice and closing the distance between them a little further. Shepard's heart gave an involuntary flutter at the close proximity. 'I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again. But listen...'

For a moment, Shepard sighed, trying not to grind her teeth. Even after all this time, he still had to have a way out, as he took a step back and raised his voice again, the intimacy of the moment gone.

'...there are some things I want to say.'

Sheprd kept her silence, knowing that it was best to just let him speak. He bottled a lot up, she knew that, and he would only ever open up to those he trusted. And Shepard had been lucky enough to gain that trust twice. She wasn't about to jeopardise all they had managed to rebuild in so short a time by an impatiently harsh word.

'Looking back...I have a few regrets but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?'

Shepard nodded. That was understandable. Everyone had regrets, and she had more than most, especially when it came to him and what had happened with Cerberus and on Horizon, and although they had spoken of that time and both had agreed to move on, which they had...it was something that couldn't be forgotten or ignored either. But it had lost its power over them and their relationship, making them stronger in the process.

He turned, looking away from her and off into the distant skyline that had once been London.

'Messed up kid that I was, never would have dreamed of the life I've had. And I own a lot of that to you, you know.'

Shepad nodded again, agreeing with the sentiment. Without him, and the others she wasn't sure she'd have been able to do a quarter of the things that had been done. Without their help and support, as well as that of the rest of the galaxy, the Reapers may have come a lot sooner.

'It's been quite a ride.'

'It sure has.' He agreed, reversing the conversation they had on the Docking Bay only a few days before.

'But how are you doing?' Kaidan returned his attention to the woman before him. 'Scare?'

Shepard couldn't help but laugh at that.

'Damn straight I'm scared.' She assured him lightly at first, before the gravity of the answer came to the fore. 'But that fear is gonna to keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart.'

Kaidan nodded, a look of grim determination on his face at her response.

'Yeah. Exactly.'

A silence descended upon them for a moment and it seemed to tell Shepard that the conversation had reached its natural conclusion and it was time to take her leave.

'So...take care Major.' It was a lame way to say goodbye to the man she loved, but she couldn't think of anything else to say. The conversation hadn't quite gone in the way she had hoped and the disappointment must have shown in her face for as she turned to leave, a strong hand reached out to stop her.

The Major stopped her, pulling her in close to him and capturing her lips with his own, kissing her deeply. It didn't matter that they were in the middle of the street, in a blasted wasteland that used to be a city. It didn't matter that the Reapers were only a few streets away and humanity was on the brink of being snuffed out forever, nor did it matter that there was a hooting squad of biotics enjoying the show. All that mattered was the man before her, and Shepard felt herself surrender to him in that moment. But that was all there was...a moment. They had spent the night together before they'd hit the Cronos Station, and it had been perfect despite everything.

He drew back, leaving her missing his intimate closeness.

'I can't lose you again.' He breathed. His voice thick with emotion as he pulled back a little further, his movement attracting Shepard's attention as she opened her eyes to look at the Major and then down at his fist that reached up between them. She looked up at him quizzically.

'Marry me, Shepard.' He asked earnestly before glancing down at his hand to get her to follow his gaze, and when she did, he opened his hand to reveal a ring.

Shepard blinked, her voice stolen away for a moment by what had just happed and when she looked up at Kaidan. When her voice did finally came out, it was a little cracked.

'What? Here? Now?'

Kaidan laughed, not unkindly. 'After this is over.' He whispered.

Shepard felt a million different things at once, or at least that what it felt. The good , the bad, the horribly conflicting all warred for her attention at such a simple question. She looked at Kaidan, a deeply earnest look of expectation on his face. She loved him dearly, more than she'd ever loved anyone before. But their relationship had been anything but smooth. But then again, what relationship ever ran smooth? All the pros and cons ran through her head and it must have shown on her face as Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but she silenced him with a word.

'Deal.'

It was his turn to blink, taking a good few seconds to process what she had said. Shepard couldn't suppress a smirk at that before he broke out into a grin too.

Kaidan took her hand and carefully tipped the ring into her palm. It was pointless trying to put it on, her gauntlet wouldn't have let him and it would take too long to take it off to put it in her finger. Shepard would let him do that later. Instead she took a moment to study the ring in her hand. It was a simple thing, just a plain band with an offworld diamond in a simple setting.

'I know it's not much.' He confessed as he watched her look at it. 'But the ring I intended to give you...it's still in Vancouver. But, I couldn't ask you without a ring so...I got this one.'

She looked up at him, surprised. It was a beautiful ring, elegant in its simplicity and the diamond seemed to almost crackle when it caught the light, but she smiled at him. Trust Kaidan Alenko to have a family heirloom ring to give to the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

'It's beautiful Kaidan. But I can't wait to see the other one too.'

She gently kissed him on the cheek and then stepped apart, the silence that filled the moment feeling much more comfortable this time, and they started to hear the catcalls from the squads that had witnessed the proposal and suddenly the both felt decidedly embarrassed.

'Well...I should find the rest of my squad.' Kaidan ventured, trying not to look at Shepard.

'Yeah.' She agreed as she strolled past.

Her feet took her away from the Major, her mind still on what had just happened. She had just agreed to get married once this was all over. And for the first time since she had set foot on Earth, Shepard found that some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders. This had only been the third time she had been to Earth, and all three times had been a challenge for her. First there was N7 training, and then there was when she'd turned herself over to the Alliance after she'd used Cerberus to take down the Collectors...and now. But only this time did the reward for the challenge seem worth it.

She opened her hand again as she walked to see the ring again, her attention wholly focused on it. It was the second one that she had been given by her crew, but this one was very different to the ring EDI had given her. But she valued them both for what the represented. When she had a moment, she'd put this one on her tags as she had with EDI's Victory ring. She'd keep them both close to her heart.

'REAPERS!'

The shout when up and Shepard blinked. She'd strolled onto the overpass that lead to the HQ without realising it as more Reaper forces had rounded up another attack on the base. Hastily, she pushed the ring into one of her pouches and dashed to man the nearest heavy weapons place. Such thoughts on the future would have to wait. Shepard had to live through the present first.

The first shots rang out. They wouldn't be the last.


End file.
